Harry Potter and the Parody To End All Parodies
by Smerby
Summary: Parodies have been done to death. But what's one more? R&R and you'll get lots of slashy goodness! Or not. Take a gander, if you will. Story is complete as is.
1. This Chapter Has No Title

It was Platform 9 ¾. The day outside was rainy and cold-- as was every day-- but the platform was warm from the steam given off by a brilliant red train. A raven haired boy walked forward, carrying a trunk and a snowy white owl. It was the start of the raven haired boy's 6th year. This wasn't just any raven haired boy. This was THE raven haired boy. The-Boy-Who-Lived by subduing He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named for about 12 years. As he plastered his raven hair against his forehead, his green eyes danced. He was going back to Hogwarts, where he would be with his friends, and everything that was dear to him. The-Wizarding-School-Called-Hogwarts-Because-Everyone-Loves-A-Good-Dose-Of-Hyphenated-Overdose was a renowned Wizarding school which was composed mostly of transfer and exchange students-- mostly from America-- then students that actually were accepted there.

Continuing to walk forward, Harry boarded the crimson machine, and headed for the back of the train to the compartment usually occupied by his two best friends, Ron and Hermoine. As Harry slid open the door to enter, he saw a blushing Hermione and Ron. Ron had tousled hair and a trail of something red near his lips and on his neck. Hermione was adjusting her robes.

"'Hullo, Harry." Ron and Hermoine said.

"Hullo, Ron, Hermione." Harry said, sliding the door closed. "Ron, you got a bit of red right there. Probably from Hermione's lipstick."

Hermoine looked shocked. "I don't wear lipstick."

"And we weren't doing anything." Ron said nervously.

"Probably should get that checked out then, mate." Harry said, sitting.

As soon as Harry sat down, he felt the familiar rumble of Gregory Goyle and Vincent Crabbe coming down their part of the train. Draco Malfoy slid open the door and walked in haughtily.

"Well Weasley. From the bright redness of both your face and hair, I think I just got a tan."

"Shove off, Malfoy." Ron said angrily, getting up to punch him.

"Ron! The insult wasn't even _good_!" Hermione said, holding him back.

"What do you have to say for yourself, Pott--" Draco said, then stopped.

Everything stopped moving, except for Harry and Draco's eyes. They looked into each other's irises, and Draco's heart suddenly softened; Harry's heart reached out to it. Suddenly, their fleeting looks of love passed. Time began moving, and Draco Malfoy and his cronies left.

"What in bloody hell was that, Harry?" Ron said.

"Oh, they always make me gay in these things..." Harry said absentmindedly, looking out the window, thinking of his dead godfather.

"Wha... what the hell?! Gay? In what things?" Ron continued.

"Hmm...?" Harry said, hearing the screams of his mother and crying silently, his green eyes sparkling.

At that moment, Neville Longbottom and Ginny Weasley came into the compartment.

"Hullo all." They both said.

"Hello, Harry." Ginny said, inching close to Harry, throwing dirty looks to a seizuring Ron. "How was your summer?"

"Sorry, Ginny," Harry sighed. "They never make me bisexual in these things."

Ginny sat stunned. "Bisexual?! Things? What things?" She looked around the room for an answer. Hermione was too busy reading to have heard anything that had happened, Neville was looking for what was now a 6 year old captive toad, and Ron was still seizuring from the sight of his sister flirting.

At that moment, an author dropped-- literally-- from out of nowhere. "Hello guys!"

At this, everyone looked up. Hermoine looked unperturbed.

"Where's your friend?" She said nonchalantly.

"What… what are you talking about?" The mysterious new girl said.

"Usually the writers bring a friend to wreak havoc in our school." Hermione continued.

"Well... I….waitaminute! You guys aren't supposed to act out of character until I've wreaked more havoc!" The girl said.

"Don't worry, we'll get back in character when Mary-Sue shows up." Harry interjected.

"Oh, and while we're on the subject, could you not fawn over Snape the way your kind usually does? It's revolting." Ron said, convulsing.

"I... well. This normally doesn't happen." The girl said in shock.

"Where IS your friend?" Harry said, his hopes up for a boy. Or an Asian girl.

"Well... she... I..." The girl coughed.

"Well?"

"I... um... don't have any friends. I spend all my time inserting myself into the Harry Potter fanfics I write."

But at that moment, Neville began weeping. At this, everyone turned to look at him. In his hands was a very squished toad named Trevor.

"Oh... Neville... I'm so sorry." Hermione and Ginny said, coming to his side.

"Oh... oh." Neville said, looking down at Trevor. "That's not why I'm crying."

Hermoine and Ginny pushed Neville away from them and resumed their normal seats. "Then why are you crying?" Harry and Ron queried.

"I just remember something."

"Wicked!" Ron said. "That's a first! What did you remember?"

"That there have been so many Harry Potter Parodies done already. And they're just as bad as the things they mock." At this, the girl comforted him.

"Don't worry, Neville. I'm sure we'll get you nice and out of character. Maybe i'll whip you up a transfer student to go out with. How about it?"

"Um... no thanks. Especially since you're not even the actual writer writing this..."

"Oh... right... well I could never be as classy as the actual writer." The girl said, winking.

"Hold it right there!"

Everyone looked to see a boy standing there.

"Who are you?" Ginny asked.

"I'm another writer of Harry Potter fanfics. And I must say, this girl has broken code. She's not the writer of this story, but the writer of this story made her compliment herself. That's doing the same thing she's parodying."

Most of the group raised their eyebrows. "Um... what?"

"Hold on a minute!" The girl said. "Boys don't write Harry Potter fanfics!"

"Exactly!"

And with that, the burgundy train screeched to a halt at the Hogsmead station to bring the students to Hogwarts. And of course...

It was raining.

**…To be continued?**

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**Note:** Characters copyright to J.K. Rowling, except the irritating extras added in for your... my... no one's benefit? Sorry if this has offended anyone, and sorry to have written this. I will try and add more. It sucks, I know. But hey, what's another parody? Right? Wrong! But none-the-less, thanks for stopping by. Reviews are greatly appreciated. Keep on truckin'... or rather, wizardin'... or... something...thanks for reading! Should be another chapter soon, probably... hopefully... better then this.

**(Revised 11/22/07)**


	2. Holes In The Ceiling

As the thestral pulled carriages arrived at Hogwarts, students filed into the Great Hall. As Harry trumbled forward, someone caught his eye. It was a girl, about his height. She had dark hair. As lightning flashed and lit up the sky, her tresses looked like a very deep red. Her eyes were the same startling green as his, and she had glasses. It was almost like looking into the mirror. Why hadn't Harry seen this girl before...? With that thought, Harry was shoveled among the students into the great hall.

As Harry sat down next to Ron, he noticed a new girl he had also never seen before sitting near Hermione on the other side of the Gryffindor table. She had bleach blonde hair streaked pink. Harry thought she was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen... then he remembered he was gay. As soon as everyone was seated, the sorting hat was brought out, and the new first years were sorted.

--Fill in various names that most likely make NO sense. Throw in a Blaise Zabini for good measure.--

As soon as the sorting hat was taken away, the students finished their applause and turned to the head table to listen to Dumbledore.

"Students of Hogwarts! Welcome to another exciting year of filling our heads!" Dumbledore said, as the hall fell silent to listen. "I'm please to announce that we have both an exchange student AND a girl we magically accepted 6 years past when she should have originally come. Please, everyone, give a warm welcome to Ashleigh Smith."

The girl with the bleached hair stood up. Everyone clapped.

"And we are pleased to welcome... Mary-Sue Potter."

At this, everyone began clapping... until what they heard sunk in, and everyone was silent. All eyes turned to a girl standing. It was the girl Harry had first seen earlier. Harry was dumbstruck.

"Also, our new teacher of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher will be none other then... Lucius Malfoy. And with that, let us begin the new school year!"

The Slytherin table applauded, and the random inserted authors in the background wet their pants in excitement. Snape looked especially excited. The rest of the hall began to eat the feast, each student with a disgusted look on their face.

Disregarding the new teacher, Harry looked at Mary-Sue. "Am I... related to you?" He said quietly, more to himself then anyone else.

"She is your twin sister." Lupin said, miraculously appearing beside him. "But you are forbidden to speak to her."

"Wha... what?! Why?" He replied, stunned.

"Because the author's unnecessarily inserting herself into the story, and doesn't want to delve to deeply into the fact you could probably never have a twin sister."

"A twin sister... wow…" But Harry was stunned. He turned and saw the most beautiful creature he had ever laid eyes upon.

"NEVILLE!" Harry wailed passionately.

"Wha… me?!" Neville said, wide-eyed.

"Get out of the bloody way." Harry said, as Neville was blocking the view of the new student, Ashleigh. Wow, what a name!

Ashleigh walked up to Harry, and sat by him. Harry's breath caught. She leaned in and said, "There's something I have to tell you."

"...What is it?" He breathed.

She took out an hourglass attached to a chain around her neck and showed it to him.

"What does a time-turner have to do with anything?"

"Da... Harry..." She whispered. "I've come back in time to warn you. I'm your daughter."

"BLOODY HELL." Harry screeched, a screech so loud that the entire hall turned to look. Except Snape, who was too occupied snogging with Lucius Malfoy, much to the glee of several writers watching their exploits. Exasperated, Harry could not control his feelings.

"DAMN YOU ALL." Harry said, blowing holes into the ceiling. Everyone turned around to look, but Dumbledore just sat and smiled, his eyes twinkling merrily.

"Harry, stop!" Hermione called from across the hall. Harry was subdued as he stared at what couldn't possibly be Hermione. She had filled out in all the right places, as Hogwarts was well-known for having such tight robes as to show this. She had straight, highlighted hair, and caked on cosmetics.

"Hermione..." Harry trailed off as he ran to her, completely ignoring the fact that the hall was erupting into pandemonium from Harry's outbursts. He also ignored the fact that his daughter didn't share his last name.

"You look... beautiful." He said to her.

"Yeah, I got a makeover from my American cousins." She said, blushing.

"Bullocks!" Ron said, as he ran over as well. "You were with us on the train!"

"Oh yeah..." Hermione trailed off, her eyes locking with Ron's. They immediately began snogging.

"POTTER." Harry wheeled around to see who had called his name. It was a delicate girl with blond hair.

"Potter, what about... I mean... I don't know how to say this."

"Oh, it's you Malfoy... um... can we hold off on us? That whole train... souls twining thing... let's wait on that. We need to build a little more sexual tension."

"Just as well... I've been eyeing that Weasley girl." He said, smirking smugly. Ginny Weasley saw this and quickly ran from the Great Hall, closely followed by Draco.

The pandemonium continued, with the professors trying to subdue a psychotic Harry and snogging students, while the prefects were going into severe seizures at the site of Snape and Lucius Malfoy. Dumbledore's eyes continued to twinkle. As the noise grew louder, Ashleigh remained unmoved, but a little unnerved.

"Isn't anyone going to ask about the warning I was supposed to bring?!"

"No way, bitch." Said Mary-Sue Potter, who, although very sweet, was not a love-interest in this story, so she took a swing and broke Ashleigh's beautiful little nose.

**…To be continued?**

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**Note: **Yeah, I know this sucks, sorry 'bout that. I can do better next time, maybe. Um... thanks for reading?! And bla bla, characters copyright to J.K. Rowling, except the "add-ins" and what-not. Sorry if this offended you, so on, so forth. Um... stay tuned? 

NO LONGER BEING UPDATED-- I APOLOGIZE FOR ANY DISAPPOINTMENTS (Of which I doubt).

**(Revised 11/22/07)**


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